Today we had a two and a half hour debriefing on our ‘staff opinion survey’. For those of you who are laughing at the ridiculousness of a debriefing on our own opinions welcome to my boat, the good ship ‘wow they’ll hire consultants to do anything these days’.

Here of some of the main findings:

Finding: Almost 90% of people are proud to work here but only 25% would stay here if offered another job with ‘slightly higher pay’ somewhere else
Conclusion: Sure we all like the idea of saving the world but have you seen the new Porche Boxter-S? It does 0 – 60 in 5.1 seconds.

Finding: 80% of people consider themselves to be excellent at sharing information with other people but only 42% of people feel that information is being shared with them
Conclusion: There are one or two people in the office who spend all day being told stuff by other people – I’m guessing they hang out by the bathrooms

Finding: 90% of people have done their best to create a congenial work atmosphere but 40% of people are afraid to speak up during meetings
Conclusion: We’re all sensitive enough to say good morning before launching into manic fist waving tongue lashings over spilled pencil sharpener shavings (I said pick them up with your teeth you fucker…Please)