When we were kids, every time we went away on our own for a week or more we would come back to something new in the house - a redecorated bedroom, and ‘clubhouse’ in the closet, new flooring in the rec room. Whatever it was it always gave homecomings a little something extra.

So, when Bert went away when we lived in DC, I would try to do the same. I redecorated the bedroom when he went to the Yukon, I repainted the apartment when he went to France. I moved all the furniture when he went to France again. Pretty much three suprises in as many years.
And then we moved back to Montreal (a year and two months ago) and I:

repainted the living/dining room when he went to DC,

tiled the backsplash when he went to DC again,

repainted the bedroom when he went to DC again,

built a bedroom wall (with help) when he went to DC again,

stained the new door when he went to DC again.

And now he’s in DC again and I really don’t feel like doing any of the hundreds of things that need doing - but I’m trapped.

I have raised Bert’s expectations so much that he expects a big change every time he’s away. Oh he says that he doesn’t expect anything but now I’m thinking that he’s just saying that to ‘play up’ the suprise.

So last night I stained a step. Yep, one step. That’s it.

The tiling in the kitchen needs to be finished,

the fireplace tiles need to be grouted,

7 doors need to be stained or painted,

a closet, the kitchen and the office need to be painted,

every other room needs hefty touch-ups,

baseboards need to be installed (no I can’t do that on my own even if I wanted to),

the kitchen needs to be put back together,

the heater in the bedroom need to be hooked up,

all of the closet doors need to be hung

…and I stained a step.

I”m sorry Bert, but it’s time to reset those expectations, and I’m resetting them low.

So the theme for today seems to be noise…

When I got up to go to the bathroom at 2am (which is when it all began) I tripped over the vacum cleaner hose knocking the whole thing into the shelf and baseboard leaning against the wall. It all came a-tumbling down with a great big bang.

Then someone came in through the back gate as the dog and I were waking up at 6:50am. The dog lept over me - well actually not quite over me, more on my stomach and then over me - and started barking madly at the back door. This wasn’t her lazy ‘rumpf’ but a full blown ‘let me out, let me out, I’m gonna get you’.

Then in the shower I knocked over the shampoo, shower gell, conditioner, facial soap, empty shampoo bottle and little puffy shower sponge. With the exception of the little puffy shower sponge it all made quite the ruckus.

Then my phone started beeping in the middle of breakfast. I am slightly obsessive compulsive when it comes to things beeping…they beep because they need attention, I must give it to them, immediately. But as part of my training (to become less psychotic that is) I had to let it beep until I had finished my Eggo waffle with Nutella.

Now I’m at work, in my quiet little office in the forgotten corridor and I can hardly hear myself think.

You know how they’ve trained rats to run wiring through tight spaces, well I think there’s an entire army of rats scuttling around dragging wires through the ceiling above my office. The noise they’re making is worse than nails on chalkboards, screeching tires or honking peacocks. I’m considering using my lunch to lay a path away from the ceiling panels in my office. Sure it might screw up the wiring but my lights and internet work fine so what do I care. No, no, that’s far too selfish. I’ll just take my lunch outside and hope the rats are gone by the time I get back.

Fingers crossed…

Ok, so there’s this guy that I have to work with quite a bit…let’s call him Charles (not his real name). He’s a nice enough guy and he knows a lot so chatting with him really gets the creative juices flowing but…well how to explain?

Charles came to my office to discuss an upcoming meeting. My office has this little fake balcony thing with a door that actually opens. It looks over the interior courtyard and is great for circulating air and watching the Quebec students protest the fact that their entire university education is costing them roughly the equivilant of the price of a beat up 1989 Nissan Sentra with no sideview mirrors and doors that lock if, and only if, they feel like it damn it.

Anyway, my ‘balcony’ door was open and someone down in the courtyard dropped a table (which happens with suprising regularity). Charles turned suddenly to look and I noticed, for the first time, the fact that he has the hugest ears I’ve seen on a man since the Charles and Camilla affair. For those of you who are marvelling at my brilliant use of foreshadowing (ie giving my colleague the nickname ‘Charles’ when he has huge ears) go ahead and appreciate my talents.

For those of you who are wondering why you’re supposed to care that one of my colleagues has big ears well here’s the moral of my story…’the true utility of rolling chairs lies in their ability to shift your view so that you don’t find youself accidentaly staring at giant ears’.

My husband is away for a whole week - or maybe more as I was informed while eavesdropping on a phone call with his parents - good thing I eavsedrop eh? Anyway the house is so quiet. It went from the noisy chaos of active renovations, every day I would come home to something new, to the absolute silence of chaos that has settled in for the long haul.

I was going to make a huge dent on the chaos yesterday but it was hot and I wasn’t in the mood for anything more strenuous than dusting, sweeping, and laundry. But the chaos that I left this morning will be exactly the same as the chaos I will come back to tonight (assuming that the dog doesn’t decide to eat the sofa or anything equally as uncharacteristic).

I was also going to make a huge dent in my work to-do list today too - it’s a Monday thing that I’m usually really good at. But things at work are going slowly as well. I think it may be one of those weeks, I won’t find myself sitting around with nothing to do but I will find myself sitting around.

I think I am going to try to acomplish something during the remainder of my lunch hour though. I have been craving yogurt for two days now so I think I’ll pop out and buy some if I can find the grocery store (I swear the grocery store near my work moves randomly from one street to the next).

I’m off then…cherio

Yesterday when I got home from work at 6:20 I was suprised by two things: (1) the construction guy was still there working away and (2) he was very nice, polite and considerate.

I figured he’d eaten a spoonfull of nutmeg for lunch or something (I hear nutmeg can do funny things to you although I’m not sure what the actualy effect is…hard work and a pleasant attitude would be a pretty cool option though, I would walk around all day with a spoonful at the ready).

Anyway, it wasn’t until this morning that I discovered the real reason for the sudden change in attitude…the fool had threatened my husband. Now Bert is a solid 6 ft tall guy. Not solid as in ‘big boned’ but solid as in ‘I go to the gym every day except Sundays’. Bert also has the most gentle eyes which is why people often think he’s a push over and why the steroid pumping construction guy thought he might be able to intimidate him. Apparently the conversation went like this:

CG “Well maybe I’ll just walk off the job.”

Bert “Ok”

CG “I’ll leave you with everything half done.”

Bert “Fine” - eyes starting to change

CG “You won’t like who I send to collect the money you owe me.”

Bert “Are you serious” - pupils starting to get scary small

CG “I wasn’t always in such an honest business.”

Bert “Are you threatening me?” - iris starting to get slight devil tinge, fists forming at side, leg muscles starting to bulge

CG “No, no, I was just kidding.”

Bert “Oh, ok.” body returns to normal

You see, Bert gets mean when he’s threatened, mean like a crazy water buffalo or a aging hippopotamus. You know, I’ll trample you then bite you in half mean. Yep, my gentle husband becomes a raging hulk…it’s kinda fun to watch…from the sidelines.