Ah, back to the grind. You know I used to think that when I wasn’t working I was essentially useless to the World. I kinda think I’m still useless to the World, only now the World is paying. No seriously, was work always so cram packed full of inane concerns?

This morning I:

1. Copied and pasted a table into a table of a different format then spent an hour cursing stupid Microsoft tables (by the way, when you type Microsoft in a word document the “M” is automatically capitalized even if you purposely left it small because you think that Microsoft is the devils latest earthly incarnation and is in no way deserving of a capital letter)

2. Spent a good half hour trying to get my chair cleaned. I swear that at some point during my absence some parent stuck their child in my office with a pound of chocolate and a cat. My chair suffered and now I really don’t want to sit in it in case my ass ends up soaking up chocolate covered cat hair or something.

3. Wrote fact-sheets, which may or may not end up being read by anyone but are vitally important nonetheless because we have an unwritten obligation to provide them.

Here’s hoping that I change the World – preferably for the better – this afternoon.

So today was my first official day of work (official=paid). Anyway last night I went to bed at around 11am and woke up at 1:36am.

I lay in bed for an hour and a half during which time I convinced myself, based on my acute sense of hearing, that someone-somewhere in Montreal had stolen a tank and was crashing it through the bottom floor of nearby apartment buildings.

I lay on the sofa for two hours during which time I convinced myself that a clicking noise, which initially sounded electronic, was actually a supersized rat chewing through the side of the refigerator to get to the pot of old curry we have inside.

I got back into bed for an hour and a half during which time I conviced myself that the reason I couldn’t sleep was because sub-conciously my body knew that I was going to die in my sleep and so it was keeping me awake in order to allow me to savor my last few moments on Earth.

I woke up this morning (after a quick 45 minute nap from 6:15 to 7am) and there was no widespread tank destruction, no giant rat hole in the fridge and I wasn’t dead. I was happy to go 0 for 3.

I do, however, have a good dose of PMS lower back pain combined with my first sore throat of the flu season and an odd blister on the bottom of my foot.

I put it all down to negative vibes from the people who didn’t get the job. I can’t begrudge them their small measure of revenge.

Unless, of course, I can’t sleep again tonight in which case it’s all out war!

I think we’re under investigation by the CIA or something. I’m sure they were tracking us in the US as well (although Bert maintains that it wasn’t possible since the CIA isn’t allowed to work within the US…he doesn’t have that excuse any more).

Anyway here’s my reasoning:

1. About a week and a half ago a police car shone a searchlight into our apartment. Then they went to the upstairs apartment for a little while. Perhaps to throw us off…perhaps to drill through the floor to plant listening devices.

2. Since then the police have been parked out in front of our aparment on, at least, two additional occasions. We started to get suspicious so discussed the issue while sitting on the couch one night. The CIA obviously heard because…

3. The police car seems to have dissapeared but yesterday a Quebec Hydro van parked outside and two people, a woman and a man, proceeded to sit in the van for two hours. Every once in a while they would pop in or out of the apartment next door (where I’m sure they were drilling through the walls to plant more listening devices) but by far most of the time was spent sitting, watching.

So I figure the CIA probably knows about my blog and I have a message to pass along: I don’t know who or what you think I am but I am not, in fact, whatever or whoever you think. You are wasting your time spying on me but, if you really do want to persist, next time you’re drilling through the ceiling can you please fix the light fixture in our bathroom. I think you broke it last week.

So last year we planted tomatoes. We bought the plants when they were wee little things and four months later they were great shrivelled vines of nothingness. Our tomato plants grew but n’er a tomato blossomed into full ripeness. We did get one scrawny green tomato but it stayed green for two months (until the dog finally got fed up with our shame and tore it apart).

We decided that the source of our failure has nothing to do with our lack of green thumbs. Nope the reason out tomatoes didn’t grow is loneliness. You see it makes perfect sense. With not other vegetables in the garden our green little tomato was too sad to become a plump juicy red ball of sweetness.

We shall not make the same mistake this year. We are planting: cauliflower, arugula, spinich, and assortment of herbs, and onions. We started the arugula, cauliflower and onions indoors and yesterday I set the onions free.

The intrepid onions were very quickly growing too big for the starter kit. The stringy sprouts of promise were getting hopelessly tangled with the cauliflower and I think we might have found a few strange hybreds if I hadn’t put a stop to things.

So the onions have been transplanted. They’re on their own for the moment but I tell them everyday that if they keep growing big and strong then I will bring them vegetable friends soon. And so I shall, the arugula is starting some strange posturing with the chives.

So a friend and I were walking home from work today (oh yeah, still waiting for my stupid medical celarance so I’m still not getting paid). Anyway, there we were walking through downtown Montreal, the streets were busy with people rushing hither and thither when what to our wondernig eyes should appear but an out of place sausage and his two little meatball friends.

Yep, strolling down the street was a forty’ish guy with his thingy hanging out for all the world to see. My thoughts were…

Oh my god that poor crazy man doesn’t realize that his thingy’s hanging out

Ew, I’ve wasted way too much time thinking about this

The most ironic thing is that my friend and I had just finished a discussion which ended with the conclusion that we’re perfectly fine being naked around complete strangers but never around friends. I guess Mr. Loose Sausage Man was there to confirm our prudeness cause that is so not what we meant about naked comfort!