Family, or not?
Ok, so my Dad and I haven’t spoken in four years (long story short, his girlfriend – now wife – told him absolutely horrible lies about me which he believed so four years ago, after forbidding me to attend my grandfathers funeral, he wrote me a letter telling me to never contact him again).
When I do run into him when I’m back in Vancouver he ignores me completely. Never the less, I did try to contact my Dad (on four occasions) after I got engaged to let him know that his only daughter was going to get married but he sent a message through my brother that he wanted me to go away and leave him alone…which I did.
I don’t really understand what horrible crime I committed against him but at my wedding recently none of his side of the family showed up because he told all of them that he would consider them traitors if they did. My brother walked me down the aisle, which was fantastic, and my Dad sent a letter wishing me all the best (I would have rather he let his brother attend, since he had actually flown all the way from England to Vancouver before my Dad threatened to never speak to him again if he actually showed up).
I know that my uncle wanted to come but my grandmother, well she wrote me a letter saying ‘I know you didn’t really expect me to accept your invitation’. What? Of course I did, I wouldn’t have sent it unless I truly wanted her to be there. It’s one thing to lose a father (I truly believe I’m better off without that poison in my life) but quite another to lose all connections with an entire side of the family. I mean I had been keeping in touch via email but my grandmother has now stopped responding to those as well.
Every conversation I have had with my grandmother involves her asking me to reach out to my Dad, and every time she asks, I oblige and he never responds in kind. I am trying to decide if I should call her to see what’s going on or if I would just be setting myself up for her to hurt me again. If my grandfather was still alive I know that he would refuse to put up with this nonsense; he would say that whatever happens between my Dad and I is between the two of us but he would still have a relationship with each of us individually. That is what I desperately want…I don’t blame my grandmother for by Dad’s betrayal so why does she blame me?
What should I do oh wise wanderers of blog-land?
Wow, Jaime, I’m so sorry that things are so rotten with your family.
It sounds like you have been at the receiving end of a whole lotta Unfair. I wish I had something wise to say, but I really have no idea how you can deal with your grandmother. A phone call really could be “dangerous” in terms of having the potential to hurt you, but on the other hand it might clear some things up that have been bothering you for a while… good luck with this. Let us know how it goes.
Aw. man. this just totally sucks. I’m sorry.
Jaime, I definitely think you should call your grandma. She’s probably heard a lot of skewered stories by your dad (thanks to his wife); and while it’s disturbing that she won’t give her own grandchild the benefit of the doubt, I definitely think you two need to speak directly about exactly why she is siding with your dad against you. She must *believe* pretty horrible and inaccurate things about you–and you deserve the chance to defend yourself.
Yes, it could be a painful (and unsuccessful) conversation, but I think you’ve been hurt enough by your family that this situation needs to be confronted.