Here are a few why questions that have been rattling around in my empty head for a while now. Here are my best answers…does anyone have the real ones?

Q. Why does it take ten times longer to ‘delete files’ in internet options than it does to ‘delete cookies’?
A. Because the ram that lives on my bus is currently on an ‘all files’ diet and, as such, he’s rushing to get rid of all the cookies while keeping tight hold of the files.

Q. Why does Gary Bettman suck sooooooooooooooo much?
A. Because he’s actually a CIA agent who’s been planted by the US to slowly chip away at Canada’s national identity so that soon we will meld south like an amoeba laced with moose and maple syrup.

Q. Why do people keep their butter in the fridge in North America?
A. Because there’s a really bad butter infection that’s going around which, if you leave butter in the cupboard, makes it easier to spread (which is, apparently, a bad thing).

Q. Why does our bathroom have mirrors everywhere except over the sink (see previous post)?
A. Because the old owner called forth an evil spirit in the vanity mirror which she was then, of course, obliged to smash. Unfortunately she smashed it wrong somehow allowing the spirit to escape. As the only warm-blooded human in the room, the old owner became possessed by said same spirit who, in some weird twist of revenge, compelled the owner to mirror every possible surface in the bathroom except, the one surface that would actually be useful.

Having lived for almost a week now in a very sparse apartment (no furniture, few appliances, etc) I now know what I can easily do without…and what I really can’t.

I could do without:

My pasta maker: as much as I love fresh pasta my old hand-cranked pasta machine is a workout in and of itself. Since I hate associating food with exercise (e.g. one cookie equals five minutes of running) I have come to realize that associating exercise with food (e.g. five minutes of cranking equals one ravioli) is just as depressing

I hate having to do without:

My waffle maker: (explanation as a haiku)
Fresh golden and warm
Sweet, happiness welcomes me
I love my waffles

I could do without:

A sock drawer: In short: frequency of matching socks ≠ availability of sock drawer

I hate having to do without:

Chairs: Oh at this point I wouldn’t scoff at any kind of chair, not those pinchy folding chairs of cold grey plastic, not those hard wooden benches of grade school assemblies, not even those stupid rubber ball chairs that trick you into exercising. No, at this point I would welcome them all into my house without prejudice (although I might welcome my green ultra-suede couch a little better…ok I’ll admit it…I want my couch!)

I could do without:

A microwave: I know, it seems totally weird doesn’t it? Well here’s the thing, I have a microwave at work so, since I don’t have one at home, bringing things for work-lunches that require a microwave all of a sudden becomes a luxury. Go ahead, you people who wander up with your food court boxes of pizza and Kung Po Chicken, enjoy yourselves, all you who eat in sit down restaurants, revel away…I have microwavable Macaroni and Cheese, so there!

I hate having to do without:

A vanity mirror: Our bathroom has two entire walls of mirrors including the wall behind the toilet (I know, totally weird) but no mirror over the sink. Every morning I find myself squeezing between the bathtub and the shower, delicately balancing a clean contact lens on my finger, contorting my back and neck to get close enough to this giant mirror just so I can see. And what do I see when I finally get my contact lens in…a great big, full-length, dual angle, image of morning me…ewwwww.

Some friends and I were chatting the other night about what we would do if we won the lottery. It actually suprised me that, even though I have known these people for almost 10 years I still learned something new about them despite the apparently silly topic of discussion.

Anyway, here are the first four things that I would do if I won 10 million dollars…what about you?

1. Pay off my Mothers house and car. My Mom’s a nurse and she loves the idea of volunteering in developing countries. I would love to be able to give her the financial freedom to realise her dream; especially since, in doing so, she would give so many other people the opportunity to realise their dreams.

2. Buy a round the world ticket and start planning a trip so that I could spend a whole year going from festival to festival throughout the world. When I was living in Morocco I took the ferry over to Spain one weekend and happened to stumble across this town that was having a festival with a parade, bull-fights, the whole works. It was such a different experience to be welcomed into this town at such an open and friendly time, I would love to try to find that elsewhere.

3. Set up a foundation. All the people I know who truly love their jobs are the same ones who have jobs that help others…coincidence? I think not! Now the difficult question is, what would my foundation do. Well even though I work in the environment field I think that my foundation would fund orphanages in countries emerging from conflict. There are so many children out there who face obstacles which would cause the best of us to cower. I would love to be able to make their way easier, to allow them to discover what their posibilites are.

4. Fly all of my friends to a different location every year for a grand old reunion…any friends out there?

The Tale of the Notary

Exposed in a robe of leopard print
A blondish mane with a bleechy tint
Few intelligent flashes grace her gaze
As she struggles through the mental maze

A stack of papers piled so high
But to comprehend, well at least she’ll try
It’s quantity not quality in this strange world
Into which our knight and maiden are hurled

The Tale of the Dog (who was away for ten days while we were staying with friends waiting for the paperwork)

Where are my humans, howl, howl
Who are they battling, growl, growl
I would be loyal, yip, yip
And face all comers, nip, nip

I miss my humans, bark, bark
Wait what’s that I hear, hark, hark
All weary and battle worn, whine, whine
I’ll make them better ‘cause they’re mine, mine

After so much hassle we’re finally in our house and so, I can take this opportunity to introduce you all to the main cast of players in this grand torrid affair a la Chaucer (with many liberties taken of course).

The Tale of the Real Estate Agent

When through the door walked maiden fair
And young knight with frosted hair
The agent spied his manor meal
Twas only left to broker the deal.

To share was by his creed forswain
So working for both to double his gain
He noted, and dashed, and underlined
Until the final deal was signed

And then on to the next, he took his leave
Leaving knight and maid with little reprieve
From endless tasks to face alone
In the desperate quest to secure their home.

The Tale of the Banker

Across marble floors measuring distance guests
Sit lonely figures at shadowed desks
A clients walk the surest call
For counterfeit smiles from one and all

Oh maiden fair engage not your mind
I’m too base and you too kind
Fill form a-z then these three too
Leave it to me, no fretting for you

But beware if affairs should fall awry
I can punch these keys but dare not try
To use my brain would be such a waste
Better to make mistakes, in haste, in haste.

To follow…The Tale of the Notary, and The Tale of the Dog