Name: The Gambia

Animal that doesn’t live there but that the country reminds me of: Duck-billed platypus.

As a tiny anglophone country in the middle of francophone West Africa, the Gambia is very much like a duck-billed platypus, which is an animal which is not quite a mammal (because they lay eggs) but certainly not a bird (they do suckle their young on sweated milk).

Most Commonly Seem Item: The British tourists.

Yes as a great destination for bird watchers and lower-middle class tourists who enjoy the kick of being comparatively rich, the Gambia attracts pale – beer guzzling – football fans, the way a flickering florescent light attracts moths.

Usually my posts are based on personal experiences but in this case it’s very tangental…ready?

Ok, we bought a car in Virigina and were going to register it in DC except that in DC they charge you a full 1% higher tax if your car weighs over 3500 pounds (something to do with heavy cars tearing up the streets). Well at 3550 pounds our car was just over the limit and despite the fact that we don’t drive around with 100 pounds worth of kids in the back seat, and never mind that between the two of us we’re at least fifty pounds lighter than the average American couple…nope none of this mattered, we were facing car discrimination on the basis of weight so…

Then I heard a great rant on the metro which I only caught a few words of, but I imagine it could have gone a bit like this

- It will be fourteen

- Fourteen what?

- Fourteen Dollars sir.

- You’re kidding right?

- No sir.

- Fourteen dollars! Jesus, can’t I claim it through health insurance?

- I don’t think so.

- I could if I was fat!

- Pardon me?

- Well I probably could.

- I don’t see how.

- Well they get all sorts of free stuff.

- Who does?

- Fat people. Did you know that they get a tax deduction for joining a health club?

- Can’t say that I did.

- You should pay more attention to things like that you know. I mean us skinny people are paying for that. For smokers too you know.

- Smokers?

- Yeah, they’re a drain on the medical system. That’s why insurance is so expensive, and it doesn’t even cover my fourteen dollars at that!

- I see.

- Yeah, and do you think we can do anything about it? The fat people I mean.

- I’ve never thought about it.

- You should! At least smokers are addicted, what’s the fat peoples’ excuse?

- I think it’s genetic.

- Genetic, oh come on now, genetic? It’s not genetic, it’s McDonalds and Pizza Hut and hot dogs.

- Perhaps.

- Especially hot dogs. Did you know that they have a competition for eating hot dogs?

- No.

- They do. And it’s not even the fat people who win. It’s always a skinny little Japanese girl.

- Why?

- Why what?

- Why do the skinny girls win?

- Ah hah! Now you’re interested.

- Just making conversation.

- Whatever. It’s because they stretch their stomachs with water, no calories in water you know. The fat guys practice with food; water works better though.

- I see.

- Yeah, fat people have too much fat, their stomachs can’t stretch the way they can in skinny people.

- Really?

- Yeah, of course. You see, nothing good can come of being fat.

- Except the health club thing.

- Damn it, yeah! And the fact that they probably wouldn’t have to pay the fourteen dollars.

- Will you?

- What?

- Pay the fourteen dollars?

- Yeah, yeah fine, take them up although on principal I object.

- Why?

- Because having short legs is just as much of a disability as being fat. And it’s genetic. Where’s my free stuff?

- I don’t know sir but your pants will be ready on Thursday.

- I bet a fat person would get them on Wednesday.

It’s amazing how life has a way of putting itself in perspective. My last week has been a true exercise in confirming rationalization as you can tell from the perspective-rationalization stream below.

The Catalyst… A bureaucracy consisting of a million hidden windows each containing a granite wall of immovable force reveals that the temporary posting to permanent job evolution that was envisioned by boss and I may, in fact, be a pipe dream; i.e. my future employment is suddenly seriously in question

Perspective – Rationalization Stream…Well it might seem like a big deal now but in the overall scheme of things it’s only work and there are much more important things in life than work

The Proof is in the Pudding…My Grandmother in England has a stroke and is rushed to the hospital where doctors discover that the reason she had a stroke can be traced back to the cancerous tumor the size of a fist which has wiggled its way into her brain. Prognosis – three months to live. This is more important than work.

Perspective – Rationalization Stream…My Grandmother is an older woman who has lived a full life in which she has seen all of her children mature and have children of their own. She also truly believes that something comes after death so she won’t be too afraid and will see dying as an adventure rather than a finality. Things would be much worse if she was a young non-believer

The Proof is in the Pudding…My brother, a young, non-believer goes in for an ultrasound to figure our what’s going on with two strange ‘probable cysts’ he has in his neck. Two cysts turn out to be seven very suspicious masses resulting in a scheduled biopsy to make sure that the young non-believer isn’t suffering from cancer. It is worse.

Perspective – Rationalization Stream…It’s amazing how life has a way of putting itself in perspective. My brother will be fine, my Grandmother will be able to die at home, I don’t care that much about my job anymore and next week will be blissfully boring.

The Proof is in the Pudding????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Well I’m married now and feel that I should start being far more responsible than I currently am. I have become the metaphorical mother bear; I have to start tipping the garbage cans of life over and spilling the contents across the sidewalk so someone else can partake in the putrid pleasures alongside me rather than daintily reaching in and pulling out enough sustenance for myself alone.

For me, this whole being more responsible, mother bear, thing boils down to lists; there’s something so organized, structured, and incredibly not-me about lists and I feel I can no longer escape the lure of such an adult endeavor. So here it is…

To Do…

1. Get even with the evil janitor living in our building

Rationale: The guy is evil, I mean truly evil, he (i) lays traps to get our dog to bark (like banging on the wall in the stairwell which backs onto our apartment) and then rushes to the apartment manager to complain about the noise and (ii) accuses us of breaking the ‘apartment rules’ at every turn: ‘you’re not allowed to park here…oh it’s your assigned spot, well your left back wheel is slightly over the line’ ‘you’re not allowed to loiter in the lobby…oh your buzzer is broken and I haven’t fixed it yet, well you should tell your friends to buy cell phones so you don’t disturb people by waiting here for them’ etc.

Plan: Enlist the assistance of the Cirque de Soleil troupe who just moved into our building.
Picture this: you’re a grumpy old janitor toddling around your building when suddenly you’re plagued with repeated sightings of people hanging from balconies and strange acrobats twisted into pretzel shapes in the elevator, as if that’s not enough, every night, at about 2am you’re woken from your evil dreams by a pair of circus clowns knocking on your door to borrow sugar…end result, insanity! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

2. Instantly develop some semblance of talent for interior decorating
Rationale: We’re about to buy a new apartment and new furniture to go along with it and we feel like it’s time to move on from Ikea. Ah, gone are the days when we were happy walking into the ‘As Is’ section of Ikea and choosing whatever bed, sofa, chair, desk, curtains, shelves, etc. happened to be piled against the wall. Now that we both have jobs we feel like we should plan our apartment and, while we’re not forsaking Ikea completely (that would just be sheer madness) we want to broaden our horizons.

Plan: Hang out in magazine stores browsing through home design magazines until I get kicked out (I was considering doing the whole TLC thing and planning the entire apartment around a particular vase or fancy painting but I only own an orange vase and, as nice as it is, an orange-based apartment might be a bit much)

3. Learn how to pole vault
Rationale: I’ve always wanted to be really good at something (average is ok, but not great…tee hee). Anyway, I have a bendy back which seems like it would be a good thing for pole vaulting and so I think I should give it a shot.

Plan: Well I figure I need to build my upper body strength but I don’t have a gym membership or anything so I’ll start by doing handstands against the wall until my arms get so wobbly I almost fall on my head. After that I’m fresh out of ideas since when I went to the book store I couldn’t find pole vaulting for dummies…I am seriously considering bamboo poles and a volleyball net though.