This morning I knew I was going to have a challenging day writing the economic argument for a drastic shift in international policy. The resulting document needs to be (i) easy enough for the layman to understand and (ii) sufficiently scientifically robust to stand up to the scrutiny of economists.

I should mention that I’m the layman in this picture. I wouldn’t know scientific robustness if it reared up and did a cost benefit analysis on biting me in the ass.

Then I got to work

M - “Jaime I just got a call from donor X”

J - “Oh great, I’m working on the proposal, it should be ready to go to the directors on Tuesday”

M - “Donor X needs the proposal today”

J - “Ok, I’ll see what I can do.”

Inside I was saying, ‘What the fuck? Why the fuck didn’t they give me a deadline on Tuesday instead of just saying they needed it at some point soon? Who the fuck equates ’soon’ with ‘Thursday?’

So here I sit, blogging while I should be filling in my table of assumptions and risks but I had to take a break cause my assumptions were coming up ‘The project assumes that we will be dealing with sane people’ and the corresponding risk was ‘Fuck You.’

Someone sent me a CV with the following line under computer skills:

‘Perfect control of the Internet’

I am impressed not just with the perfection of her control but also by the fact that her control extends over the capital ‘i’ version of the internet.

Unfortunately, though, this leads me to believe that she is overqualified.

Today is Election Day and I figured I’d celebrate by picking up on one or two things in the different Party Platforms that made me scratch my head:

1. Adding a bank holiday known as ‘family day’ in February.

Now I’m all for extra holidays but I don’t see how this can be the cornerstone of anyone’s platform.

“How will you solve crime?”

“Family Day, because angst ridden teenagers who hate the world are crying out for another day away from the structured environment at school and with their parents (who they hate).”

“How will you fix the environment?”

“Family Day because in the middle of February, when it’s -20 outside Canadians will want to go and pick up trash along our highways.”

2. Continuation of the Paper Burden Reduction Initiative.

Again, I’m not a fan of any burdens, paper or otherwise, and I understand, in principle, what this is supposed to do but dude, fix the title already.

3. Cut the federal excise tax on aviation fuel in half – from 4 cents to 2 cents.

Yeah ok, the federal excise tax on gas is 10 cents a liter, but please, don’t worry about that, it’s much more important for the fuel–surcharging, for-profit giants of the aviation industry save a couple of cents every time they screw me.

4. Suddenly and immediately increase the minimum wage in New Brunswick from $7.75 per hour to $10 per hour.

After screwing them out of their fish, the federal government left the job half done. In order to totally destroy the economy of New Brunswick, we absolutely must make it too expensive for anyone to hire anyone else.

They say your true personality comes out when you face difficult situations. Well my true personality comes out with the strangest things to say.

Think back to your last stomach flu / really, really bad night drinking. You know that feeling you get when your body’s still trying to puke but there’s nothing left in you. Well about day 9 of ‘miscarriage-take 2’ the same thing happened to me and my uterus.

I mentioned this to Bert who clasped his hands around my face and gave me a perfunctory kiss on the forehead. I don’t know if it was the hormones or what but in the middle of Golf Town I said, in a rather loud voice (ok, I exclaimed).

“What the hell? You’re not the friggin Pope bestowing blessings on me and my uterine dry heavings?”

I walked off through the putters mumbling something about men and their external sex parts.

Then there was this morning. We’ve been having issues on the whole getting back on track for trying again (my fault not Bert’s) and, true to form, I have decided that I need to manage the situation. So, this morning while I was brushing my hair I asked Bert.

“Does our tv have that picture within another picture feature thing? Cause sperm perform better when men watch man on woman porn. They feel like they’ve got competition or something. So I’ve been thinking that you should watch porn in one screen and salmon swimming upstream in the other. You know, just to get the boys ready.”

I popped my head around the bathroom door when Bert didn’t immediately answer and I was genuinely confused by the look of shock on Bert’s face.

It’s not that weird is it?

If you were a fly on a wall (or tree) for our camping trip this weekend you would have seen:

1. Meeka licking a bunny and barking at a lama
2. Me getting overly excited about pumpkins and fireworks (separate, not together, although that would be cool too)
3. Cheese fondue melted over a campfire
4. Bert using his I-phone to look up what ‘la levette’ means in terms of sexual positions
5. All three of us flipping out over the genius of our Canadian Tire tent doggy door (I have no idea what it was actually supposed to be but form = function)
6. Me running around in my underwear at midnight cause what’s the point of putting pants on to go pee in the bushes

You would have heard:

1. Me bitching about how cold it was from 10 pm until 2 am
2. Bert bitching about how cold it was from 2 am until 6 am
3. Sexy talk about socks
4. Meeka growling every time a leaf fell out of a tree (PS it’s fall up here)
5. The constant flow of a river running over rocks (see midnight peeing)